Squandering Time

A foolish person looks at the day and says, "I can make up today tomorrow because I have many more tomorrows." There was a time when I was foolish because I looked at the days and believed I had many more. Oh, how foolish I was! Oh, what time I wasted. Oh, how many lives I didn't affect. 

A few years ago, I started wrestling with my mortality. At the time, this was very strange to me because I was too young and healthy to have such thoughts. Every night, like clock work, I'd lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for hours while thinking about my end. Questions about how my end would feel, happen, who'd be there and could I avoid it would consume me night after night. The drum of these questions kept banging louder and louder within my head until they went quite one day. In the silence, my eyes closed and it was revealed to me how I wasted time and how foolish a person I truly was.

I have absolutely no clue about how much time I have left on this earth. I'd like to believe I have about 50 good years left on this rock but spending my time thinking about such things is foolish. Thinking about how I should spend the time I have now and urgently living it out are the only wise uses of my time. Time is not in my control and God, in accordance to his will, could choose to take time away and call me home at any moment. When I kneel before him, will He say I squandered my time thinking and doing foolish things or commend me for living out my time wisely?

Serving, living out dreams, doing something new, spending time in brotherly fellowship, worshiping, saying I love you to a family member for the first time, forgiving a friend, saying kind words, walking slowly around the neighborhood at dawn, honest self reflection, growing through suffering and uncertainty, hoping, joyfully giving to a stranger, preserving and protecting, saying I'm sorry, crying in surrender, struggling, pouring into others, lingering in hugs and conversations, intentionally wearing different color socks, saying thank you and writing a blog are some of the items on my 'time well spent in a day" list. This list stays very close to my heart and I'm always judging the time I spent in my day against it. Did a squander or do well with my time by urgently moving through the day for the ashes of my ancestors, the love of man and the glory of God?

I don't know if it'll be tomorrow or 50 years from now, but one day I'll have to leave this place. Will I be foolish with my time and tremble because of my squandering. Or will I kneel and hear the words, "good job my son. You did well with your time and because of it, you and others became richer."

Kyle Christian Steele